external validation
| 'stop seeking external validation'
an everyday moment:
I saw this reel where the comments or the author said something along the lines of ‘I want to be pretty and tell others that beauty comes from the inside’, and then other comments followed up with ‘I want to be rich and tell others that money doesn’t make you happy’ - and there’s just something about these statements that struck a chord with me.
I think we glorify celebrities by this same principle → celebrities, influencers etc are pedestalized as possessing external measures of success (money, fame, beauty) and then deign that success, happiness and contentedness all stem from an internal source.
I can see this pattern in my own life where I tended to put a lot of pressure on myself to do well academically and then proceed to hold the view and stick to the mantra that grades/results do not determine my worth. It’s such a contradiction because I genuinely see others’ success as completely unrelated to their grades and academic mastery. Then why oh why did I feel (and still to some extent do) the pressure to gain academic validation. It’s really as if I view myself as not functioning if I’m not doing well academically. And does that mean my academic efforts should go uncelebrated?
a reflection:
This one is a hot mess. I’m not sure where to even begin. It may be a niche sentiment, but I can imagine that it’s a painfully relatable one.
I think we drive ourselves insane questioning our internal worth. The fact that we’re alive - it’s not up to us to even question it.
With this whole wellness craze, there has been a lot of downplaying of external validation - out of reaction to the whole idea that external validation means nothing if we don’t feel worthy inside. And that’s true. Being rich means nothing and adds no value to your life, if you don’t feel happy - and likely, that amount of money cannot be sustained in a healthy manner if you don’t feel fulfilled internally.
But also there is a needed balance of external validation and internal validation - where relying solely on one or the other leads to nowhere. Relying solely on external validation is like relying on the weather to be sunny all the time. Someone will approve. Someone won’t. If we feel so offended by disapproval - it’s not that the disapproval needs to change - what’s probably needed is the question of why do I think I can only feel okay unless everyone in my environment approves? Maybe those conditions were true when you were a child.
External validation fluctuates so much that it’s not an accurate reflection of how stable our worth really is. Alternatively, relying solely on internal validation is basically asking people to feel verified without the verification mark.
I like to think of internal value like a gold mine that we’re sitting on. When you don’t move and you don’t use the gold - other people cannot see your worth and they cannot go ‘oh look you’re sitting on a goldmine’. The key idea - is that you need to move - to see the goldmine for yourself. Once you acknowledge your own worth and risk doing things to feel that sense of worth - other people will inevitably see it to. This sounds a bit abstract. Basically, I think it’s a combination of you acknowledging your worth and being reaffirmed by external feedback.
What we often get backwards is that the external feedback tells us our worth. But the external feedback is so turbulent that we feel uncertain about our worth - then we just doubt any feedback that saids we’re worthy. And that whole system does not work at all. Trust me, I’ve tried and tested it.
magic in the mundane:
the truth of the matter is that I’m still figuring this one out. Literally, I wrote a bit of this blog a few weeks ago and titled it ‘still figuring this one out’ thinking I could elaborate once I had figured it all out. Maybe I will and I’ll update this when that happens, but I think it’s important to honestly discuss things that are a relatable experience even when they don’t have a stock standard solution.
For me, what makes the most sense is just noticing when I do feel that pressure or that urge to seek approval in whatever area. And going ‘oh, how innocent of me - that I want to be seen a certain way, that I want to be socially desirable in this way because I think that guarantees my safety’. And then imagining not receiving the approval AND still feeling okay - still feeling capable of working towards my goals.
In the instance of the everyday moment: I would notice the pressure I put myself and just be like 'oh that's really cute that I'm trying so hard for these specific results and it's kind of heartbreaking that I think that I need to attain these results in order to be acceptable'. Then I would promise myself or give myself permission to feel okay even without attaining those results. And, it's not like I need to delude myself into it. Have I scraped a pass on an exam? Yes. And did my worthiness change - was I somehow tainted? No. Then I allow myself to work towards those results, not out of necessity and intense social pressure - but out of an actual desire. Then it's imagining - what does that look like? would I study differently if this is the case? what else would I change? would I talk about studying differently? e.g. affirmations like - I'd like to think that I'm someone who feels curious about what I'm studying.
fromtheheart mantras
- It's great when other people see I'm worthy - but it only really hits when I see what they're seeing
- Instead of ‘I can only feel good about myself or beautiful on the inside if other people think I’m pretty’ → I can only fathom that people think I’m pretty when I acknowledge my own beauty
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It’s not up to us to question our worth. It’s not like we go around thinking ‘am I worthy?’ (okay sometimes that happens) but most of the time it’s more that we go around behaving in a way that indicates that we question our worth. In what ways am I behaving as if I’m not worthy?
- Worthy to exist. to make mistakes. to be loved. to love. to succeed. to laugh. to cry. to be alive.
- Shying away from doing things that are not ‘typical’ of me? Shying away from ‘being too deep’. Shying away from giving the impression that I’m trying ‘too hard’? Shying away from just trying?
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A word on taking risks → ‘It’s not about making huge, grandiose changes that I can’t handle - it’s about taking the mini steps that still kind of scare the shit out of me BUT they also help me to affirm that YES I am the kind of person that can take risks - until making those mini steps are the NORM’
- If I prayed for something, I've got to act like it's going to be answered.
whoever it is - I'm so honoured that you're here and reading this :)
from,
the heart <3
P.S. reminding myself this - cause I almost went crazy when writing this blog.