hey loves 💗

I can’t believe it’s almost the end of august and my favourite month is coming up. Good luck for all of you who have uni assessments (you can do it!!), cause I have a bunch that are about to rear their heads in the coming weeks.

So what’s in my blog this week? Mainly wanted to address the cliche/trend of habits as the main mechanism for changing behaviour, with some information from Atomic Habits as the basis. But to ease into it, I’ve included some current obsessions of the month, followed by the main part of the blog and then some thought bites (my version of sound bites but thoughts instead). Enjoy :)

current heart obsessions

1. always - daniel caesar

 

I fell out of love with playing piano recently - whether I was ever in love is up for debate (#imsocancelled). But then I discovered that I can search up my favourite songs, go on a website with chords and play along while I sing and it might honestly be the most therapeutic thing I’ve come across. It’s also the most unconventional way I’ve ever learnt piano but I want to learn in a way that is more intuitive rather than using sheet-music as my crutch for life.

 

1. the life of moya

 not to glorify her, but her videos are so calming, comforting and literal art. I grew up with the idea that influencers were really fake, just there to get views and it’s not a real job, it’s just sit still look pretty. I’m so glad I found her platform. She redefined my idea of influencers and is overall such an authentic role model.

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change your identity, change your habits?

the cliche

There is this one piece of advice from Atomic Habits by James Clear that I find really compelling - one of the strategies to behaviour change is to attach yourself to a different identity. For example, if someone wanted to consistently go running they can adopt the identity of a ‘runner’ and say to themselves and others that they are a runner.

And then I learnt in one of my psych subjects about categorisation. And if I put the two and two together here’s what I get:

why it works

When someone identifies as a runner, they place themselves in the categories of runners. And when we place something into a category we generalise the features of the members in that category to the new thing - and therefore we now know more about the new thing we just categorised. E.g. if I see an animal, and I categorise it as a tiger - then now I know about other ‘invisible’ features it has (that all tigers share) that I wouldn’t have picked up on before such as the animal potentially being dangerous etc. which informs how I act around it and helps me survive

Okay, so not to run off track (hehe), that means when someone identifies as a ‘runner’ they generalise everything (invisible features) that the identity 'runner' implies, to themselves. But most importantly, they generalise all the unconscious behavioural and thought patterns they think runners have, to themselves - helping them adopt new unconscious behaviours without even thinking about it. It’s kind of ingenious because when people talk about ‘behaviour change’ it usually implies a lot of conscious effort, and this laborious rewiring of behaviour that requires constant effort (which can also be true) but this pretty much short-cuts the system.

Instead of the ‘hard work’ that people associate with breaking habits, adopting a different identity purely brings about a change in how you view yourself and results in the adoption of unconscious behaviours and thought patterns (you wanted to have) that can replace current ones. E.g. now the person will go consistently running or they will be more responsive when someone brings up running because they are a ‘runner’ - so they will slowly accumulate habits that align with their initial desire to run consistently.

gaming the system

The second part that is arguably more useful is how can this whole identifying thing actually be a block to behaviour change? It’s that core question of why can’t I change my behaviour if I really really want to?

So if we just learnt that identifying with a new identity means taking the invisible features we associate with that identity and placing it onto ourselves - then how we perceive that identity, specifically the invisible features we associate with it matter A LOT. And those invisible features we infer, such as when we see a ‘runner’ are usually unconscious (we just assume a whole bunch of other things this person does that may not be related to running).

so what's the point? - sometimes we have difficulty adopting a new behaviour because we think it will place us in a category that we associate with ‘invisible’ features that we are not okay with, we think those will make us unacceptable or we want to avoid being perceived that way. Let me take the ‘influencer’ example. There are so many forms of influencers but if you want to be an influencer it probably means putting something out there (a video, a reel, a post, etc.) and this may be the behaviour change you ‘want’. But if you simultaneously think that making this behaviour change places you in the category of ‘influencers’ then you would generalise the invisible features you associate with influencers to yourself, and these could be that you think they can be cringe, embarrassing, stuck-up. Hence, you avoid the behaviour because you avoid these features that you think would latch onto you for making the behaviour and cost you (socially) more than the benefits of doing what you want (the costs never outweigh that benefit but alas).

So after identifying the invisible features, what helps the most is to ask why you associate the identity with that invisible feature (e.g. influencers with ‘cringe’) is that actually your idea or did you adopt it from someone else, or maybe you have actually come across influencers that are cringe - but then what about the examples where they are not cringe. Maybe it just means you want to be self-aware and make content that YOU don’t find cringe, and that’s probably a good direction to start. But changing the false stereotypes of the category can often be the unblock to the behaviour change (e.g. even in ‘rich people’ - maybe they can be stereotyped as being overly grandiose, flaunting their money, treat those who aren’t as rich poorly) but at the end of the day, you decide what invisible features you adopt.

thought bites

On Success and Failure and All that Jazz:

In order to fail at something, I had to try. Failure implies that I succeeded in expending effort towards something I value. And every effort counts. But the outcome, it does and it doesn't. It only counts when I confuse the ‘failed’ outcome as a measure of my capability (AKA that I am incapable), and therefore stop putting effort in because…why try? Once I believe that 'why try?' that's when I lose faith in my capability - and that lack of belief is the 'failure'.

On self-love:

There’s something so heart-warming about being taken care of by grandparents. Like a hug from them or words of encouragement is unparalleled. We often hear that we need to treat ourselves how we would treat our friend. But sometimes I just need to treat myself how I would treat my grandchild, you know?

On desires:

It’s not what we want, it’s what we tend to do. What we tend to do is how we spend our lives regardless of what we want. So it’s about consciously choosing, changing and rewiring what we tend to do so that it aligns with what we want to do.

The key reflection when I notice what I tend to do is not what I want to do is to simply ask why I’m not compelled to do what I want to do. Is it because it feels temporarily easier, less exhausting or do I have an unconscious narrative about what I want to do that’s blocking me (e.g. studying feels difficult and if it feels difficult it means I’m dumb and I’m not allowed to take breaks). Then slightly change how I see what I want to do so that I feel compelled to do it (e.g. promising myself that when studying feels difficult I’ll see it as my brain actually actively working and trying to learn, celebrate that and make sure to take a break).

On living:

I’ve numbed from life - we all have, at least once. But why? Sometimes when I avoid life, it’s because I avoid that voice of dissatisfaction, the one that whispers that there is more to life than this. That voice can feel so defeating that it makes so unbearable I need to dissociate from it in some way. But if I can listen to it and feel empowered, that means that there is some part of me that recognises that I’m capable, worthy and strong enough to be accountable in living how I want. And listening to that is always better than blocking it out.

On cringe:

You have to be that person to be that person. E.g. you have to ask questions (maybe seem like a nerd) in order to learn or obtain information that others don’t have. Cringe then carry on. Or you can be stuck in cringe for the rest of your life. Because judging others for being cringe is cringe.

real rituals:

morning matcha: probably one of the biggest wellness trends that I never jumped on. But how could I not drink matcha after buying it from Japan. My favourite part is whisking the matcha with the little bamboo whisk, it feel like I’m actually a professional and for some reason that makes the drink taste better. I have to say I’m an advocate for this trend, only if it makes you feel good of course and not just for the sake of affirming an identity.

priorities: other than word-vomit, in my journal I like to write the three priorities I have for my day. I used to pressure myself with only feeling accomplished/satisfied unless all three tasks had been completed. But I realised that I tend to write down pretty chunky tasks that have a duration and amount of effort that I can’t predict (often going down the rabbit hole of wasting even more time trying to predict these variables), and then feeling super discouraged at the end of the day because turns out the task takes longer, other obstacles or mini-tasks within the task come up. So I feel accomplished if I spend a good period of time on each task because that means forward movement is happening.

pilates: currently enjoying PIlatesbyBryony’s newest 10-day challenge!! It’s a pilates ball based challenge and 20 minutes per day feels super doable. Every time I do her classes it feels like a complete factory reset. Would highly recommend :)

victories of the week:

Things this week that made my heart jump with joy.

1. my mum let me borrow the cutest black bag - that feeling when you find staple clothes/accessories you like that were in the house all along
2. finding out I had no 2-hour lecture because of a weekly quiz
3. my sister being free and picking up every time I wanted to eat and talk with someone
4. catching the bus on time after running towards it as it was about to leave the bus stop
5. seeing a new follower on my blog instagram account
6. sabrina carpenter's album came out <3

*there were also some heartaches in this week but that was my highlight reel. what were some victories of your week?!

from,

the heart