self-belief
|‘believe in yourself’
hey there!
This blog post is for anyone who has ever been told to ‘believe in yourself’ and moments afterwards continues to feel unsure and not convinced.
This one’s timely for everyone going through the uni assessments, assignments and what-not.
Thank you to a friend who started this conversation.
the conversation: you’re shit until you’re THE shit
shit until you’re the shit. Another way it can be phrased: you have to be that person to be that person.
what’s the shit to you?
We all have goals/visions/dreams of being the shit, whatever that means to you. Most times, at least from my experience, I’m scared of the process and would rather dream of ‘what if I’m the shit’ without the heartache of becoming it.
Becoming the shit means trying; it means putting myself out there when me and everyone else knows that I’m not the shit yet - and being okay with it. That being okay with it is one of the biggest challenges, and it’s not ‘yeah I don’t care’ with a sense of resignation, it’s ‘yeah I know this is not the level or where I want to be’ but the fact that I’m here, trying and committed to working on something rather than avoiding situations of feeling shit because I’m not there yet is testament that things will improve.
Trying means starting out not at the level I want to be recognised for - and that confuses other people too, they cannot predict what my goal is, they only see my performance/skill level/whatever it is I’m doing so of course they will express concern or doubt over dreams that seem so far from where I’m at.
shit, am I shit?
Sometimes that feels shameful and receiving feedback that I’m shit (not explicitly but you know, like oh you think you’re going to make it that’s so funny) rather than the shit can plummet my self-belief. It may be true to some extent, but as soon as I lose belief or confidence - I forget the whole picture; the picture that this is a journey and I have to be here to get there. All they see is ‘here’ and cannot fathom there.
Those that ridicule don’t see the whole picture, most likely because they can’t fathom being shit to become the shit and haven’t permitted themself to do so. You think they’ll let others? No - often when they do give acknowledgement it’s when there is enough external validation of you being the shit for them to hop on board. Why? because they would only pursue something with that level of encouragement and external validation (which ironically cannot be achieved without prior skill-building when those two things may be absent).
self-belief is not everything, it is sourced from others:
I’m not saying; shut yourself in a cave and don’t trust anyone else’s beliefs about what you’re doing. Actually, when you try and you open up about trying - you get clarity on who you need to surround yourself to achieve whatever it is or to at least get to the next level. There are people who know your goal/vision and take you seriously- even if they can’t understand why you want it. If they see that it brings life to you - they will take you seriously and encourage you. That’s the sort of people you need around you. The flip-side does hurt, a small fraction of people may want you to dismiss your goal/vision - maybe it doesn’t align with theirs, or they expect you to be happy but predictable and they could not predict this goal. And that’s the sign to not sever a connection completely but know that this is not a person I’ll be around for when I feel shit about being shit and need to keep trying - but they will also be the person that won’t get to share in celebration and achievement when you do gradually become the shit.
responding to discouragement:
If someone ridicules or approaches what you’re working on with discouragement or ‘you really wanna do that?’, there’s often a part of us that panics and wants to do whatever to get them to change their tune to encouragement in order to feel that our dreams are acceptable to them. Because if they can’t be accepted by this person, it means that it will never happen. If I feel really triggered, it’s often because there’s a part of me that believes remnants of what they’re saying - thinking that if I convince them it will also convince that part of me and I will never feel any self-doubt again.
Self-doubt is healthy and it’s not the same as self-deprecation. Self-doubt means you engage in reflection. Reflection is how you improve from your level. But self-doubt comes at the end of trying, at the end of when you're just about mastering the new thing and think hm? is this really where I want to stop. Let self-doubt empower you rather than be a discouraging reminder that you’re not where you want to be.
Also, when you’re less inclined to let people who think you’ll stay shit rock your world, you’ll start to accept the differences between how you see your journey and how they see it. Because that’s literally how they view their world, like there is a coding somewhere in their mind outlining that everyone great must have started out undeniably good and received encouragement from the start - basically if you’re going to be the shit you can’t start off shit.
As much as you’d like to change that coding, only they can do it. And the best way to get people aware of whatever code holding them back is by living in a way that breaks that code, breaks their rules of how the world works.
save your breath:
save your breath and energy for fuelling your goals.
There’s this quote ‘never argue with a fool, they will drag you down and beat you with experience’. When you argue with whoever discouraging person it is, you’re no longer arguing with them, you’re arguing with a code that has been dictating how they view the world and made sense of every event in their life. The code is the fool, not them. In essence, you are arguing with something that has been a foundation of how they interpreted the world (hence, it has lots of experience - and can spin a million stories why it’s right).
That code provides stability, security and when they defend it; it’s primal it’s not their frontal lobe speaking. so save your breath.
take-away:
It’s easy to think oh I just need more self-belief. But be real and honest with yourself, if you receive zero encouragement from others, that self-belief isn’t appearing anytime soon.
And if you don’t dedicate time and effort to your goals, that self-belief isn’t appearing anytime soon.
It’s not about thinking up more self-belief - we often feel deluded doing this. It’s about taking action when you have none anyway - because that’s when the self-belief starts to appear and that’s when you start to get results whether you like them or not. And with results, comes change - which can trigger recognition (humans are experts at noticing change in our environment) and encouragement.
recent mantras
chase the taste of life.
- have you noticed, the people that do things they want to even if it feels uncomfortable, it's hard or difficult, are the ones living. the ones who stare, judge, spectate are merely speculating on what it's like to live - they're not living.
- going for something means living. doing what you want that seems 'out there' is living.
- a lot of what we buy, what we invest in - it's all to feel alive is it not?
you’re the shit for reading this xx
from,
the heart <3
P.S. I’m going to take my own advice and work on writing my second lab report :) Didn’t think I’d post this week because of uni but here we are!
