à la carte
hey hey! every time I write this blog it feels like it has already been a month, we’re in october already?! shocked.
anyways, hope you all had some rest and feel recharged (especially with the sunnier days).
today’s blog is full of bits and bobs just like an à la carte menu (hence the title). as always, read what you resonate with and I hope this gives your mind something to chew on during the day :)
BODY
The ‘Sayang’ Adaptation
If you’ve read my other blogs, you’ll know what ‘sayang’ means but if you’re new here, sayang means precious and is used as an adjective ‘sayang, yahh’ etc.
I’ve heard this word used time and time again to describe food. If food was left on the plate, you can’t leave it there (ah sayang dong, makan aja), just eat it anyway otherwise it will be wasted and it’s so precious, how could you do that to it?
The decision to eat becomes not a question of how comfortably full you are, but of morality - shaping whether you are a good or bad person. And we wonder, again, why we feel out of wack with our hunger/fullness cues?
My culture (or from what I’ve seen/experienced) often praises those who can eat a lot, finish their plate or carry everyone else’s appetite by finishing the leftovers. Maybe it’s because a collectivist culture praises these values; to think of others, the food before your own comfort or appetite. It’s also seen as disrespectful to refuse food. While this may have been an advantage for survival in times of food scarcity, it’s quite maladaptive these days. It’s like a population of beetles having a trait (being brown) that served them earlier but now makes them less likely to survive due to changes in environment.
So basically the norm of the culture is to overconsume in order to feel accepted, praised or just like a good member of the community. Simultaneously, people are very direct in this culture when it comes to physical appearance. They will meet you for the first time or after many years and comment on your weight as if it’s a defining part of your character. And they will make sure that you know that they care about you by reminding you to be considerate/avoid being ‘gemuk’ etc.
It just seems a bit insane to expect people to conform to the norm of overconsumption but at the same time not gain weight. It’s like you expect to drink water and not pee. What really is going on is that, at some point, you’re going to get flack. You get flack for respecting your fullness cues and saying you don’t want any more (they think you’re starving yourself or being overly restrictive). You get flack for your physical appearance not being up to socially acceptable standards and the previously encouraged overconsumption is now seen as a function of why you are the way you are (e.g. no wonder they look like that, they eat like that [in the very culture that ENDORSED it as a habitual behaviour]). It’s just one long, ingrained contradiction.
I don’t blame the people, I blame the culture. And even then, the culture was actually adaptive for the environment we used to live in (one where food was a scarce resource). So if you’re going to get flack anyway, at least get flack with integrity. Know that you respected yourself, your health, modelled counter-cultural eating behaviour - and that outweighs any flack you’ll get (trust).
Eating Dialogue
If you don’t how you relate to eating/food just listen to how you speak about it. You’ll realise you’re parroting narratives about food/eating you grew up around, whether helpful or unhelpful. Asking what the dialogue implies about your role as the eater and food is also so powerful.
So, to have some fun, here are some things I’ve heard at the dinner table a few times and what it suggests.
- ‘go crazy!’ - this is pretty easy to decode. It’s literally imagery, can you imagine people going crazy at the food. You know, gorging on it. It implies loss of control (but a sense of release), so loss of control that actually has some psychological relaxation byproduct. It implies fun, recklessness. So the role of food? It’s something to be consumed to elicit all the above; psychological release, freedom, recklessness, fun. But is food something we want to feel like we have no control with? Do we deny ourselves of these fun, reckless experiences in other domains of life? Are there other things we can do that trigger these feelings that we don’t need to depend entirely on food for?
- ‘ohh I really shouldn’t’ - okay we have a bit of a level up in complexity. This statement implies that restriction is necessary around food but there is an underlying longing for this not to be the case. Food therefore becomes a restricted object of desire where eating whatever it is means you are ‘bad’, ‘naughty’ and doing what you ‘should not’ be doing. And I should state, these statements are not 100% false; there is a truth to it that we need boundaries with food. But we often go about these boundaries in such a strict manner as really reflected in our dialogue about food. The strictness really backfires - how does it feel as a kid to be told that they ‘should’ be asleep at 8pm? It’s really the same principle. A gap arises between the behaviour and the expected behaviour because the expected behaviour is seen as the ‘right’ option (it’s not exciting, it’s not even what you want sometimes, it becomes something that is a scarce experience). Rather than relying on the fickly mind (which preaches should and shouldn’t) to dictate your eating choices/behaviour, learning to tune into your body helps reframe eating as what you want/need rather than what you should/shouldn’t do.
Let me know if you want more of these, I really enjoyed debunking the dialogue and it makes for a fun journalling session too!
MIND
le paradoxe
Read this for moments where you feel stuck:
When I feel unsure, I’m sure that I’m unsure. I know that I don’t know. And it’s at these moments where I often feel stuck. What is counterintuitive is that once I feel stuck, I’m actually further along the intended direction because before, I didn’t know I was stuck AND wasn’t doing anything about it.
Being stuck provides clarity on the next step; to get unstuck (wow so genius I know). If I feel stuck, then I must have a sense of what to get unstuck in; whether that is gaining more information by doing or otherwise.
What’s another paradox? Feeling not confident? Implies I’m confident in not feeling confident. And this reminds me of a key human condition; to feel comfortable in certainty or familiarity. Sometimes when I don’t feel confident or insecure in new environments or trying new things, it’s the easy route to think that’s the end - that I’m just always going to feel that way because that is what is most familiar in the beginning.
And I know what you’re thinking: just because I’m confident about feeling unconfident doesn’t make me feel more confident in what it is I don’t feel confident about. That’s not the goal. When I don’t feel confident I often forget I am capable of confidence and feel like all the reserves of confidence have been zapped out. This reminds me that I am capable of feeling confident because to be unconfident, I have to be confident of that. If I’m so confident in being not confident, why can’t I be confident in being confident? And there are probably actual obstacles that e.g. not having experience, being in a new situation. But sometimes being confident in lack of confidence occurs out of habit, and that’s when this paradox is powerful to think about.
the hypocrisy of wellness
People ‘at the top’ - perceived as high status with hallmarks of beauty or wealth flaunt their affirmations or say they manifested things and are substantially praised and supported,
Those who are not ‘there yet’ and growing are called delusional for the same things. Are we meant to doubt ourselves, not take ourselves seriously or be super critical until we magically get there?
That is so paradoxical to me. It’s when we are growing, when are falling and it all feels crap that we need faith the most. When everything is expected, it’s easy to have faith - hence the bandwagoning of people supporting people who post affirmations that are seen as already ‘there’. I think this support of the high status people and the avoidance of people navigating their own path is a reflection of the human condition yet again; the need for security and the lack of it feels uncomfortable.
But remember, those who don’t support the growth of someone else are often grappling with their inability to let themselves grow because the lack of security that comes with growth is uncomfortable. Rather than crucify others that do this, notice where you do this yourself.
SOUL
parasite
A parasite is a specialised type of predator that harms but does not immediately kill its host. We watched this insane video during a class about a wild ant being infected by a parasite.
In short, the parasite spread through the ant internally and altered the psychology of the ant, brainwashing the ant to climb up to the tallest vantage point. Then, the parasite can emerge out of the antennae, survive and sprinkle spores to surrounding ants.
So why am I talking about this? Yes, it’s a sick story but I find it fascinating that the parasites resulted in the ant’s loss of control over their psychology and behaviour. What else alters my psychology/behaviour to ensure its own survival, at the cost of my life?
The most obvious one that came to mind was doom scrolling. There’s a desire to stop scrolling but not scrolling after having scrolled repeatedly before can lead to a higher dopamine craving where the withdrawal of dopamine exaggerates the lack of it. And so we unconsciously reach for the scrolling. That’s why even in recovery programs, it is common to engage in other behaviours that act as a replacement (maybe it’s binging a TV show instead after no longer scrolling). And that’s just part of recovery.
Even before, certain narratives or beliefs we have can be perpetuated purely because they are familiar or everyone else before us or around us thought and behaved in the framework. The survival of those narratives therefore are prioritised over needed change.
october musings
top of mind songs:
sharpest tool - underrate song of her album
the french library - was really craving some soothing, non stimulating music and this is so perfect for reading
top of mind movement:
walks under the sun
going en pointe again
top of mind activities:
lost in translation/dead poet society on my to be watched :)
eat+yap with my fav people
top of mind obsession:
Wasia Project - this post is everything to me
thank you for reading :)
from,
the heart <3