spring shifts
I caught writing fever *cough, cough*. I’m glad I could spice up this blog and honestly it was really fun writing at the dead of night, hope you enjoy :)
story snapshots
THEME: shifts - shifts in the dynamic of a situation, a shift in the environment - it’s unsettling, unnerving, freeing.
third-wheel
her face expresses more than her words do. in fact, she hasn’t said a word. she’s here for her friend, not to fraternise with some stranger.
and yet, there’s three of us seated around this table. when I speak, it’s with the knowing I have an audience of one. she oohs and aahs at all the right timepoints, appearing genuinely interested.
in the middle of a sentence, her friend glances at her meaningfully. movement in the eyebrows, a quirk of the mouth, with words seeming to flow from her eyes. unnerved, her face is turned away from mine and I can’t decipher what’s going on. it occurs to me that I’m lost in translation. like I’m on a separate island, slowly drifting away from their reality.
before now, I wasn’t part of that reality and it seems one of them wants to keep it that way. her eyes pop in response, and this time I get a gist (oh really!?, they say).
i try to contribute - a hybrid of words and facial expressions, but it comes out like an infant’s first words; unintelligible, try-hard - i’m officially out of the picture. the rapport I built is patronised by some unspoken language the two of them share.
she laughs, amused by her friend and has the courtesy to realise my presence again - sympathy in her eyes that I’m not getting it the way they do. she’s about to explain, and I feel reduced to a child - unwilling to be explained to but yearning to speak their language.
diet pepsi
the sweet liquid fizzes away on my tongue, like the night steeps the sky. i scan the streets outside as the car creeps through traffic. out of nowhere, a man walks waywardly across the tinted windows, narrowly avoiding the car.
the driver swears, swerving around him. my heart accelerates - it’s the first signs of restlessness at night, and it has a chain reaction. the innocence of day has surrendered to night.
what is it about the darkness? does it somehow invite evil or lure darker parts of the psyche. maybe it’s because only those who can’t rest are awake, and rarely do restless people do sane, moral things.
monsters coming out at night has some truthful ring to it. the established childhood phenomenon of being scared of monsters under the bed. it’s unrelatable, there was never space between my bed and the ground growing up. i snort in half-laughter, the carbonated fizz reaching my nostrils.
and yet, i’d sleep with the lights on for half of my childhood. arguably, that act alone would horrify any night-monster nearing my bed. maybe it wasn’t fearing night, but fearing the monsters associated with it - ones that are unknown and hypothetically created. or maybe it’s fearing the monstrous thoughts, feelings, actions that occur when night kicks in. i bring the cold metal can to my lips, lost in thought.
the driver calmly turns a corner. the neighbourhood is eerily silent. but i’ve almost arrived home. can in hand, i feel for my bag in the backseat, ready to leave. the car pulls into the driveway, headlights dimming. thanks, i say, briefly glancing into the rearview mirror. the driver nods, satisfied. i double take, rescanning his features. he bears an uncanny resemblance to the wayward walking guy. terror paralyses me for an instant - so preoccupied with the night that I forgot about the monsters.
but the moment’s gone, i shake my head imperceptibly, ridding myself of sleepiness. must be the monsters in my head I say to myself, opening the car door hastily. something glints in my periphery, and the scene retreats into darkness. XO
deja vu
i wonder how people named this sentiment, how did they know they were experiencing the same but very different things. ‘it reminded me of something that’s happened before’ one says. but did that feeling hit them like a truck, or was it more of a gradual familiarity. was it comforting or simply weirdly coincidental.
i imagine those two people arguing, ‘no, no, no - the feeling is sudden’, ‘no - it can be subtle and gradual’. how they ever came up with ‘deja vu’ is another matter in itself, but I love it.
i know someone who has dreams predicting the future but only when it happens in reality do they remember that they dreamt about it, washed by a wave of deja vu.
deja vu blurs the line between past and present. when it occurs, the present moment becomes more similar to a past event. because of such a potent reminder, you cease to experience the present moment fully; simply reliving a past event that the present one reminds you of.
maybe people get triggered in the same way. someone saids something, gestures something - so much with the energy of their mother disapproving of them that the past supersedes the present and the defiance, unexpressed rage of a child overtakes their senses. is trauma just deja vu?
late night talks
- how am I supposed to not care what other people think?
We’ve all heard ‘other people’s opinions don’t matter’ and the like. Is it really that simple? Caring about what other people think is fundamental to the human psyche. If nobody else’s opinion mattered, we would have no shared sense of reality. If nobody else’s opinion mattered, how would you feel understood, how would you feel a sense of belonging?
Maybe it’s not about ‘not caring about what other people think’. That’s akin to being asked to ‘not feel angry when something infuriating occurs’. If you care about what other people think, hint hint, that’s you probably caring about your survival.
It’s more of an issue when you thinking about what other people think takes precedence over what you think and how you act. If you stop yourself from doing something because you care more about other people’s opinion than your own, that’s when your life does not become your own.
Sometimes other people don’t have the insight or awareness to see what you see and think what you think. And only by being clear on what you see can others who do have the insight or awareness actually agree and affirm you. Sometimes people are just waiting for others to do some unspoken thing that everyone is thinking about and not doing.
- why do I people please?
I want to unpack the idea of people pleasing. It comes from operating out of fear of not being accepted or being perceived in a way I’m not comfortable with. But to be liked and compatible with everybody is impossible, and it’s a myth. Even the most perfect person you can think of is not compatible or liked by everyone. So why would I put that pressure on myself? Even more, I lose myself in the process of striving to be liked by everyone I encounter.
When I meet someone, if I mould myself, my interests, and shape their perception of me to be one that I like - I create an identity that belongs to whatever community they belong to but simultaneously create an identity that’s not compatible with someone else who belongs from a different community. And then, I meet someone else - have to go through this whole morphing process. And no wonder there’s a constant dissatisfaction and feeling of not belonging. Because if I keep moulding myself to fit different communities, I also am sending out mixed signals on who I am - and I have a super muddy idea of who I am and feel somewhat constantly repressed.
And I notice that I feel so at ease when I hang around someone who is more confident and knows themself - because they’re predictable, you know what they don’t like, what they like. When hanging around more people-pleasing people, they kind of act, think and feel based off of you and so it’s quite anxiety inducing as if you are responsible for how the whole situation plays down and they can be super unpredictable or indecisive. And this is not a good-bad situation I’m painting, I have definitely been both people myself. But the point is - when I refuse to be disliked I don’t send out a clear signal on who I am and end up attracting people who are just not on the same page as me. And it’s because I wasn’t clear on what page I’m on and kept changing my page depending on who was around me versus what I actually like.
Reminder for me and anyone else that resonates with this: send clear signals not mixed messages
dopamine menu
currently reading:
Our Strangers - Lydia Davis
The blurred line between who is a stranger and who is not. How family can become strangers and strangers can feel like family.
Recommended for: Anyone in a reading rut, so easy to read and there are no long plots. It’s literally a new story every few pages
currently loving:
Unlocked - Pilates Challenge
She incorporated masterclasses into the challenge, a masterclass with Barbara Sturm - so excited :)
currently listening to:
i love this song so so much, someone please upload the sheet music to it.
currently looking forward to:
Midsem break - and a new era starting next week (if you know, you know)
Spending time with my favourite people!!
currently watching:
Suits - I actually really enjoy it ⇒ Louis’ acting is too good, best character there.
currently found:
sunday farmer markets → north essendon and flemington
spring mantras
- release and receive
- food is not something that is sickening (before, during or after a meal). the function of it is to nourish.
- practice success. you need to feel a level of confidence in yourself to keep going. when people say ‘make it realistic’, it just means that you won’t completely fall and not be able to get back up.
- send clear signals, not mixed messages
- doing things does more than thinking about them (lately a trend, but of course this is definitely a sometimes thing)
thank you for reading
from,
the heart <3
